the mustard seed.

it’s kind of like “the onion.” but with less obscenities.

7 BIBLICALLY THEMED SCENTED CANDLES THAT RIVAL THE SMELL OF FRIED CHICKEN

Posted on by Meghan Mellinger

fried chicken

photo: usatoday.com

FEATURE STORY

GRAND RAPIDS—Watch out Yankee Candle, there’s a new line of candles in town.

Following the Kentucky Fried Chicken candle craze that sold out within minutes, and the stink-tacular success of “The Stinky Candle Company,” Zondervan has announced they are launching their own line of biblically themed scented candles.

Next time your small group is studying Exodus, why not fill the air with the aroma of a candle from the limited edition “Escape from Egypt” collection. Best sellers include:

The Ten Plagues Candle

A touch of gnat, a dash of frog, and a hint of blood, this blend of aromas is a must for any Old Testament study. Made with real locusts!

Pillars Pillar Candle

Made with special patented technology, this pillar candle smells like smoke during the day and fire at night. It’s like two candles for the price of one!                 

Manna Madness Candle

Think the “French Baguette” candle from Bath and Body Works smells like the real deal? Well you’ll be praying for bread to drop out of the sky after you light this candle up!

Even though Christmas is over, you’ll want to check out the candles on clearance from the “Emmanuel” collection and stock up for next year:

Silent Night Candle

Enjoy a calm evening by the glow of the Christmas tree while the smells of hay, sheep, and donkey feces fill the room. It’s like you’re swaddled right there in the manger with baby Jesus!

The Gift of the Magi Candle

What does frankincense smell like? Wonder no more! This careful concoction of frankincense, gold, and myrrh is well worth the wait of up to 2 years in estimated arrival time from the date of purchase.

Celebrating the life of Jesus, Zondervan also added in the “Miracles” collection:

Five Thousand Candle

Upon first glance, you would never think this small votive candle is capable of burning for up to an unprecedented amount of 5,000 hours. But once you waft the succulent scents of a couple fish and a few loaves of bread, your doubts will vanish.

Party’s Not Over Candle

Don’t think all is lost when you see this clear candle. While it may appear to be the color of water, once lit it changes to a deep red hue and soon you’ll smell the sweet scent of fermented grapes. (WARNING: Please do not ingest.)

So next time you sit down for your morning devotional or gather in a friend’s living room for bible study, think about purchasing one of these candles to really get into the spiritually scented spirit. But you better act fast—with candles like these, Zondervan expects to sell out of their first run within the next 30 years.

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FEATURE STORY: POLICE FILES UNIQUE REPORT ON SPEEDING INCIDENT

Posted on by Meghan Mellinger

cop

photo: cnx.org

PHILADELPHIA—State trooper Gregory Johnson filed a unique police report last Thursday during a speeding incident on the Pennsylvania turnpike. At exactly 9:27 PM he pulled over a young lady who he clocked at 87 miles per hour in a 65 miles per hour zone.

“She was driving a black Chevrolet Cruze. These kids think that if your car is black you can get away with speeding at night. False. Kids are stupid,” stated Johnson.

Johnson followed the young lady for over a mile and contemplated calling for backup on the chase before she finally pulled over.

“I wasn’t sure what to expect to be honest with you,” Johnson explained. “Could have been a drunkard, could have been a lady about to pop out a baby in the driver’s seat. The only labor I’ve ever been involved in was my own and I came out with the umbilical chord around my neck so I wasn’t conscious enough to remember what to do in those types of situations.”

Johnson approached the vehicle to the loud sounds of pleasant music. “It was a song about having reasons, a lot of them. I think a hundred, maybe a million. It might have been thousands even.”

Johnson found a young 27-year-old woman crying in the driver’s seat.

“When I asked her why she was speeding and why she didn’t pull over right away she blew her nose really loud into a Kleenex and looked up at me with her eyes all red and puffy. She said, ‘Officer sir, I beg your forgiveness. Please, sir. I was so busy jamming out to my worship music that I got carried away with the gas pedal because of the love of Jesus and didn’t even hear you following me,’” Johnson recalled.

Johnson saw a cross necklace dangling around the rearview mirror.

“Then the lady asked if she could pray right then and there. She was saying words like she hoped the big man upstairs would bless me in my job and that I would join her for her church’s BBQ after church on Sunday and then she started talking about her dog that had a tumor in his neck the doctors didn’t know what to do with and then she threw her hands up in the air and started singing an awful rendition of ‘Jesus Take the Wheel’ and I just had to tear up her ticket and run away because her singing sounded like my cat when I accidentally ran it over with the lawn mower,” Johnson stated.

Johnson has seen a lot of interesting speeding incidents in his 35 years of service, but nothing like this. “I’ve had an 85 year old drug dealer propose marriage to me and a toddler that stole his dad’s BMW. I arrested all of them, including the stuffed animals the toddler had in the backseat. But let me tell you what—that BBQ from that church must have been made from pigs that came straight from a farm up there in the clouds.”

FEATURE STORY: MEET, DATE, AND MARRY ALL AT THE SAME PLACE

Posted on by Meghan Mellinger

ring by spring jillnance.wordpress.com

photo: jillnance.wordpress.com

HARRISBURG—For every Christian girl that embarks on her college journey with a year supply of toothpaste and her heart set on an MRS degree, listen up, things just got even easier for you.

Local Christian college, Messiah College, has started to take advantage of the syndrome that affects their student population in droves known as the “ring by spring.” Students meet and date fellow students and before the spring of their senior year, if he likes it, he puts a ring on it.

“We are striving for what we call a ‘lifecycle education,’” president George Humphry states. “We take them from their infancy, 18, and in four years we pair them off for life. Just like penguins. Also, apparently termites.”

For years, this process has been happening organically. Students have been meeting in the dining hall by the panini press, stalking each other between classes, making out in the stacks in the library, and getting engaged by the covered bridge. But when it comes to the big day, they are finding other facilities to say “I do.”

“That is completely unacceptable,” Humphry states. “If it began here, it needs to end here. Which is why we’ve created a special wedding package plan to use our facilities for a very nominal price on the special day.”

The wedding package includes use of the chapel with chaplain for the ceremony, and a choice between the cafeteria or the student union for the reception for $30,000 or $40,000 respectively.

“The options for catering are endless: macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers, and my personal favorite, those French fries with the smiley faces. Nothing says ‘good luck on beating the odds of the national divorce rate’ like a fried potato with a face full of joy,” Humphry adds.

To enhance guest entertainment, the theatre majors have thrown in a bonus “Take a Stroll Down Memory Lane” add-on package which includes a fifteen minute one-act play dramatization of the couple’s meeting, dating, and engagement history. For an extra fee, the play can be filmed beforehand to portray actual spots on campus where events took place. Couples can choose between “family-friendly” or “true-to-life” versions.

Special discounts apply to couples who are continuing their education on campus in the graduate programs. Also, for students who get married the day after their graduation.

“We’re really excited about offering this exciting new feature to our student population. We’ve already begun advertising our wedding day offerings when the freshmen arrive during Welcome Week,” Humphry explains. “If you meet your spouse during your first week here you get 15% off!”

But that’s not all.

“We’re still figuring out how we can take it a step further in the lifecycle education plan: babies. We love when our students multiply! We’re thinking about starting a campaign to renovate our Alumni House with soundproof walls so we can promote a special ‘weekend getaway’ option where conception could take place for our married couples. We’ve already designed a new infant onesie that will soon be available in the bookstore that reads: ‘I’m a Messiah Creation!’ This is truly a very exciting time in the history of our college!”

 

BREAKING NEWS: GIRL IS CONVINCED BOY LIKES HER

Posted on by Meghan Mellinger

PITTSBURGH—Bethany Murphy’s public Pinterest board entitled “My Future Wedding Day” has tripled in pins since last Thursday when she met Tim Cuthbert at her young adult bible study.

“He befriended me on Facebook the next morning at exactly 9:02 AM,” Murphy squealed. “At exactly 11:15 AM he then sent me a chat that said ‘Hey wats up.’”

Proving that love is blind, especially to grammatical errors, Murphy began to furiously pin DIY wedding favors, centerpieces, and bridal party photography ideas to her board. It is evident by her choices that she is struggling between magenta or rose with an accent of twine.

“I have yet to see which color looks best with his eye color,” Murphy explained. “Also if he has an allergy to hemp.”

It is safe to say, however, she will be choosing above the knee bridesmaids dresses with a sweetheart neckline as 27 pins with above the knee bridesmaids dresses with a sweetheart neckline all have the caption “i ❤ this.”

Because her Pinterest is still connected to Facebook, Murphy lost 215 friends since last Thursday. Thirty-five other friends blocked her from their news feed.

Several sources from within the young adult bible study have reported that Cuthbert has also befriended six other girls within the group and initiated chats with first lines such as “hi” and “how r u.” One source claims he even asked her “wat u got goin on this week.”

When asked which girl Cuthbert is more likely to choose, a source that would like to remain anonymous commented, “It’s still too soon to tell. Also, I’m not sure how his girlfriend would react.”

BREAKING NEWS: ABC’S ATTEMPT TO PREMIERE CHRISTIAN BACHELOR FLATLINES BEFORE DEBUT

Posted on by Meghan Mellinger

bachelor rose

photo: footage.shutterstock.com

LOS ANGELES—No amount of high-voltage jolts from a defibrillator were enough to bring to life ABC’s attempt at debuting a Christian Bachelor show. Twenty-nine year old doctor from Tennessee, Tyler Johnson, was left standing with an armful of roses when ABC pulled the plug.

“There was no doubt that Tyler was attractive in every respect. He was tall, blonde, blue eyes, and buff. He was a doctor. Hailed from the Bible belt of our great nation. His father was a minister and he even went on several international missions trips including a trip to build wells for thirsty children in Africa. And at the age of 29, he was still a virgin claiming he was ‘waiting for marriage.’ We could hear Christian girls all over the nation utter a massive ‘awwwwwww’ while clutching a hand over their hearts and we knew we struck Christian gold when we found Tyler,” reported ABC executive for the show, Pierce Klein.

Forgoing the usual mansion in the hills of Los Angeles, the twenty five girls from across the nation were crammed into bunk beds in a Baptist church in downtown Los Angeles. Missionary kids, preacher’s kids, and born-again Christians, the contestants mingled with the bachelor during a time of punch and cookies in the church’s fellowship hall on the first big night.

Jillian Yovak, a Pennsylvania resident and accountant, was the first to arrive. Sporting a $25 dollar Dolman style short sleeve dress from Target, she introduced herself with a rap rhyming the words “God” and “iPod.”

Among other notable contestants was Josie Nelson, who started her own non-profit organization that helps the homeless in her hometown of Cleveland, Ohio. She sported a dress she sewed herself and brought her own mason jar to drink out of during the duration of the show.

“We were very intentional in who we casted for the contestants. We picked the cream of the Christian crop if you will. All the girls you would want to bring home to your mother and marry after only knowing each other for two months of filming,” commented Klein. “But, we knew we needed to stir the pot a bit. So we threw in Vanessa, an agnostic from Seattle with an affinity for heated theological debate. We were holding our breaths in anticipation during their first group date just waiting for her to start the whole predestination conversation. It was better than fireworks on the fourth of July!”

Tyler sent Vanessa home after the group date.

“With no more Vanessa drama, we really knew we were in trouble when Tyler suggested going on a service project for his first one-on-one date with contestant Jillian,” Klein sighed. “They went to Habitat for Humanity and things got a little exciting when he got a bit playful and put some paint on her left arm, just above the elbow. She squealed and smiled. But that was it. No passionate encounters behind the stack of drywall. The show was as boring as watching paint dry. Because that is exactly what happened for the rest of the episode.”

When asked what Tyler would want to do for other one-on-one dates, “going to a Saturday night church service” and “a Chris Tomlin concert,” didn’t go over well.

“It’s really hard to stage a makeout session in a church,” Klein explained.

“Tyler also requested 40 days and 40 nights to ‘prayerfully consider his options’ before each rose ceremony which would have resulted in 11 years of filming,” Klein commented. “So we compromised and gave him 40 minutes before the ceremony.”

Two months before ABC’s scheduled airing of the show, a test group was shown the first few episodes. Gigi from Tallahassee was outraged.

“EXCUSE ME?! I DIDN’T EVEN SEE HIS ABS ONCE! NOT ONCE! WHERE ARE THE SHOWER SCENES WHERE HE IS SHOWING OFF HIS SIX PACK? HUH? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME TO SEE A MAN WITH HIS SHIRT ON!”

When the test group began to throw their chairs at the television screen and requesting double their amount of compensation, ABC knew the show would have to be thrown out like bad produce.

Heartbroken, Tyler Johnson was never able to get down on one knee to propose, and is currently back in Africa building wells for more thirsty children in Africa. The only way we could contact Tyler was via his Christian Mingle profile, where we are still experiencing a longer than normal response time given that internet is sporadic in remote villages in Africa.