photo: cnx.org

PHILADELPHIA—State trooper Gregory Johnson filed a unique police report last Thursday during a speeding incident on the Pennsylvania turnpike. At exactly 9:27 PM he pulled over a young lady who he clocked at 87 miles per hour in a 65 miles per hour zone.

“She was driving a black Chevrolet Cruze. These kids think that if your car is black you can get away with speeding at night. False. Kids are stupid,” stated Johnson.

Johnson followed the young lady for over a mile and contemplated calling for backup on the chase before she finally pulled over.

“I wasn’t sure what to expect to be honest with you,” Johnson explained. “Could have been a drunkard, could have been a lady about to pop out a baby in the driver’s seat. The only labor I’ve ever been involved in was my own and I came out with the umbilical chord around my neck so I wasn’t conscious enough to remember what to do in those types of situations.”

Johnson approached the vehicle to the loud sounds of pleasant music. “It was a song about having reasons, a lot of them. I think a hundred, maybe a million. It might have been thousands even.”

Johnson found a young 27-year-old woman crying in the driver’s seat.

“When I asked her why she was speeding and why she didn’t pull over right away she blew her nose really loud into a Kleenex and looked up at me with her eyes all red and puffy. She said, ‘Officer sir, I beg your forgiveness. Please, sir. I was so busy jamming out to my worship music that I got carried away with the gas pedal because of the love of Jesus and didn’t even hear you following me,’” Johnson recalled.

Johnson saw a cross necklace dangling around the rearview mirror.

“Then the lady asked if she could pray right then and there. She was saying words like she hoped the big man upstairs would bless me in my job and that I would join her for her church’s BBQ after church on Sunday and then she started talking about her dog that had a tumor in his neck the doctors didn’t know what to do with and then she threw her hands up in the air and started singing an awful rendition of ‘Jesus Take the Wheel’ and I just had to tear up her ticket and run away because her singing sounded like my cat when I accidentally ran it over with the lawn mower,” Johnson stated.

Johnson has seen a lot of interesting speeding incidents in his 35 years of service, but nothing like this. “I’ve had an 85 year old drug dealer propose marriage to me and a toddler that stole his dad’s BMW. I arrested all of them, including the stuffed animals the toddler had in the backseat. But let me tell you what—that BBQ from that church must have been made from pigs that came straight from a farm up there in the clouds.”