HELLO MY NAME IS M, AND I HAVE SLEEP TOURETTES

sleep tourettes

G:

Within the past year I have diagnosed myself with a disorder I call “sleep tourettes.” It is a rare and mysterious disorder that affects its victim within the first hour of sleep in which said victim is aroused from slumber by a spider falling on her face or a large centipede hovering over her bed. The victim jumps up, curses loudly, turns on the lights, and does a dance not unlike those found in dark, strobe lit clubs in European countries with the addition of bedroom duvet covers attempting the worm. In the end, the victim realizes that the bug was, indeed, a dream and her cursing was all for naught.

Fear manifests itself in pretty [#$%]ed up ways.

In my attempts to seek a cure for my disorder, I’ve realized that fear has also weaseled its way into other areas of my life aside from nighttime terrors with more legs than anything living should have. There’s the good fear—the fear that keeps me from walking to the park at dusk via the highway underpass where words written in neon spray paint advertise activities I’d rather not take part in. And then there’s the other fear—the fear that keeps me from speaking truth to a struggling coworker because I’m afraid of how she’ll respond. The fear that keeps me from taking on a certain project or leadership role because I don’t want to fail and let people down. The fear that keeps me from using my gifts because I’m not sure they are that great to begin with. The fear that keeps me from following a nudging from You because I don’t know what the end result will be. The fear that keeps me from stepping from comfortable and content to stretched and challenged.

Fear that ultimately makes me miss out on potential blessings from You.

I guess you really knew what You were doing when you put “Do not afraid” in your Word more than any other phrase. You knew we’d be a people so scared to take a leap of faith we remain still.

The worst way fear can manifest itself is through inaction.

Just as you said to Joshua, you say the same to me: “This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).

So why should I be afraid to tell someone Your truth? Why should I be afraid to follow Your will for me? Why should I be afraid of something with more limbs that a living creature should naturally have? You promise to be with me. You promise not to leave me. If I let fear take over and paralyze me, I could lose out on some amazing things You want for me.

And that’s pretty [#$%]ed up.

Your child,

m

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BREAKING NEWS: GIRL IS CONVINCED BOY LIKES HER

PITTSBURGH—Bethany Murphy’s public Pinterest board entitled “My Future Wedding Day” has tripled in pins since last Thursday when she met Tim Cuthbert at her young adult bible study.

“He befriended me on Facebook the next morning at exactly 9:02 AM,” Murphy squealed. “At exactly 11:15 AM he then sent me a chat that said ‘Hey wats up.’”

Proving that love is blind, especially to grammatical errors, Murphy began to furiously pin DIY wedding favors, centerpieces, and bridal party photography ideas to her board. It is evident by her choices that she is struggling between magenta or rose with an accent of twine.

“I have yet to see which color looks best with his eye color,” Murphy explained. “Also if he has an allergy to hemp.”

It is safe to say, however, she will be choosing above the knee bridesmaids dresses with a sweetheart neckline as 27 pins with above the knee bridesmaids dresses with a sweetheart neckline all have the caption “i ❤ this.”

Because her Pinterest is still connected to Facebook, Murphy lost 215 friends since last Thursday. Thirty-five other friends blocked her from their news feed.

Several sources from within the young adult bible study have reported that Cuthbert has also befriended six other girls within the group and initiated chats with first lines such as “hi” and “how r u.” One source claims he even asked her “wat u got goin on this week.”

When asked which girl Cuthbert is more likely to choose, a source that would like to remain anonymous commented, “It’s still too soon to tell. Also, I’m not sure how his girlfriend would react.”