BREAKING NEWS: ABC’S ATTEMPT TO PREMIERE CHRISTIAN BACHELOR FLATLINES BEFORE DEBUT

bachelor rose

photo: footage.shutterstock.com

LOS ANGELES—No amount of high-voltage jolts from a defibrillator were enough to bring to life ABC’s attempt at debuting a Christian Bachelor show. Twenty-nine year old doctor from Tennessee, Tyler Johnson, was left standing with an armful of roses when ABC pulled the plug.

“There was no doubt that Tyler was attractive in every respect. He was tall, blonde, blue eyes, and buff. He was a doctor. Hailed from the Bible belt of our great nation. His father was a minister and he even went on several international missions trips including a trip to build wells for thirsty children in Africa. And at the age of 29, he was still a virgin claiming he was ‘waiting for marriage.’ We could hear Christian girls all over the nation utter a massive ‘awwwwwww’ while clutching a hand over their hearts and we knew we struck Christian gold when we found Tyler,” reported ABC executive for the show, Pierce Klein.

Forgoing the usual mansion in the hills of Los Angeles, the twenty five girls from across the nation were crammed into bunk beds in a Baptist church in downtown Los Angeles. Missionary kids, preacher’s kids, and born-again Christians, the contestants mingled with the bachelor during a time of punch and cookies in the church’s fellowship hall on the first big night.

Jillian Yovak, a Pennsylvania resident and accountant, was the first to arrive. Sporting a $25 dollar Dolman style short sleeve dress from Target, she introduced herself with a rap rhyming the words “God” and “iPod.”

Among other notable contestants was Josie Nelson, who started her own non-profit organization that helps the homeless in her hometown of Cleveland, Ohio. She sported a dress she sewed herself and brought her own mason jar to drink out of during the duration of the show.

“We were very intentional in who we casted for the contestants. We picked the cream of the Christian crop if you will. All the girls you would want to bring home to your mother and marry after only knowing each other for two months of filming,” commented Klein. “But, we knew we needed to stir the pot a bit. So we threw in Vanessa, an agnostic from Seattle with an affinity for heated theological debate. We were holding our breaths in anticipation during their first group date just waiting for her to start the whole predestination conversation. It was better than fireworks on the fourth of July!”

Tyler sent Vanessa home after the group date.

“With no more Vanessa drama, we really knew we were in trouble when Tyler suggested going on a service project for his first one-on-one date with contestant Jillian,” Klein sighed. “They went to Habitat for Humanity and things got a little exciting when he got a bit playful and put some paint on her left arm, just above the elbow. She squealed and smiled. But that was it. No passionate encounters behind the stack of drywall. The show was as boring as watching paint dry. Because that is exactly what happened for the rest of the episode.”

When asked what Tyler would want to do for other one-on-one dates, “going to a Saturday night church service” and “a Chris Tomlin concert,” didn’t go over well.

“It’s really hard to stage a makeout session in a church,” Klein explained.

“Tyler also requested 40 days and 40 nights to ‘prayerfully consider his options’ before each rose ceremony which would have resulted in 11 years of filming,” Klein commented. “So we compromised and gave him 40 minutes before the ceremony.”

Two months before ABC’s scheduled airing of the show, a test group was shown the first few episodes. Gigi from Tallahassee was outraged.

“EXCUSE ME?! I DIDN’T EVEN SEE HIS ABS ONCE! NOT ONCE! WHERE ARE THE SHOWER SCENES WHERE HE IS SHOWING OFF HIS SIX PACK? HUH? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME TO SEE A MAN WITH HIS SHIRT ON!”

When the test group began to throw their chairs at the television screen and requesting double their amount of compensation, ABC knew the show would have to be thrown out like bad produce.

Heartbroken, Tyler Johnson was never able to get down on one knee to propose, and is currently back in Africa building wells for more thirsty children in Africa. The only way we could contact Tyler was via his Christian Mingle profile, where we are still experiencing a longer than normal response time given that internet is sporadic in remote villages in Africa.

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4 comments

  1. myletterstoG · November 20, 2013

    Reblogged this on my letters to G and commented:

    This was one of my first posts I decided to bring back and reblog today! Enjoy!

  2. dirofpr · November 20, 2013

    You are my morning entertainment section! This is so funny because it’s so true 🙂

    • myletterstoG · November 20, 2013

      Awww thank you for being a devoted follower of my blog!! 🙂

  3. Pingback: WHAT I HAVE TO KEEP TELLING MYSELF WHEN I GET EXCITED FOR THE PREMIERE OF THE BACHELOR TONIGHT | my letters to G

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