Runaway Bride

runaweay bride



I had my runaway bride dream last night. It’s been a while since I’ve had that dream. It used to be my reoccurring dream, along with the one where I’m driving down the highway and my brakes don’t work or the one where my teeth fall out and I’m screaming “but those weren’t baby teeth so I can’t even get a quarter for each!”

It’s always variations of the same dream—it’s the morning of my wedding and I don’t want to do it anymore. And I never know who the guy is. Never. Sometimes I get all the way to the front of the aisle, other times I don’t even get the dress on. And I’m filled with anxiety, a sense of dread that I’m not ready for this. It happened too fast, too soon. And who is this guy? Where is he? Why don’t I see him? The dream last night I remember looking at my phone wondering why I didn’t have a text from him saying he was excited to marry me that day. Jerk. So I told my parents who were sitting in the living room with me that I wasn’t doing it anymore and I apologized if the caterer wouldn’t be giving a refund but at least they could freeze everything and feast off it for the next 10 years.

I guess a Psychologist would say I have a latent (or blatant) fear of marrying the wrong person. I feel it is the biggest, most important decision I will ever make (aside from following You of course). We’re talking about spending the next 50-60 years with that person. Starting a whole new line of generations like you read in Genesis:

This is the account of M and [insert name of unidentified husband here] who themselves had sons and daughters four years after their travels around the world and attempting to pay off all their schools loans.

The sons and daughters of M:

Hayden, Alexandra, and Arden, Riley, and Jordan (triplets who were not planned but were “divine intervention”).

The sons and daughters of Hayden:

Nathan, Emerson, Caleb

The sons and daughters of Alexandra:

Robert, Roxanna, and Kayleigh

The one and only child of Arden who was spoiled rotten:


The sons of Riley:

Eric, Jonathan, and Brian

The sons and daughters of Jordan:

Madison and Matthew

 The region in which they lived stretched out from the Upper West side of Manhattan to just left of a bison in Wyoming. These are the clans of M and [insert name of unidentified husband here], according to their lines of descent, and within their United States of America.

No offense, but you know I just begin to glaze over those genealogies after a while. They just go on and on. Just like the generations I could create. That’s a lot pressure.

But there is no right person out there for me. They are all going to be wrong.

They are all wrong because they are all imperfect. Just like me. Because we’re human.

And that’s where you come in. I do believe you have given me the chance to choose, and I can choose to follow You and let You lead me to your best (Proverbs 3: 5-6). Including a husband. Especially my husband. He won’t be perfect, but he’ll be your best for me.

So how will I know? How long will it take of dating said unidentified husband before I know? Hearing about people who met, date, and get married all within a year of meeting each other seriously makes me feel like I’m going to throw up from anxiety all over this letter.

How can I make sure I won’t be running away and leaving my parents with an industrial size freezer full of stuffed chicken?

I’m not sure. Because I haven’t been sure before. Because it hasn’t been your best for me before. I’ve always been running away. So I’ll just wait. And be patient. And have faith you’ll let me know when I’m following your best for me. When it’s time for two imperfect people to come together as one. Preferably with a proposal where the ring is snuggled amongst 8 count nuggets from Chickfila.

Your child,



ring by spring


HARRISBURG—For every Christian girl that embarks on her college journey with a year supply of toothpaste and her heart set on an MRS degree, listen up, things just got even easier for you.

Local Christian college, Messiah College, has started to take advantage of the syndrome that affects their student population in droves known as the “ring by spring.” Students meet and date fellow students and before the spring of their senior year, if he likes it, he puts a ring on it.

“We are striving for what we call a ‘lifecycle education,’” president George Humphry states. “We take them from their infancy, 18, and in four years we pair them off for life. Just like penguins. Also, apparently termites.”

For years, this process has been happening organically. Students have been meeting in the dining hall by the panini press, stalking each other between classes, making out in the stacks in the library, and getting engaged by the covered bridge. But when it comes to the big day, they are finding other facilities to say “I do.”

“That is completely unacceptable,” Humphry states. “If it began here, it needs to end here. Which is why we’ve created a special wedding package plan to use our facilities for a very nominal price on the special day.”

The wedding package includes use of the chapel with chaplain for the ceremony, and a choice between the cafeteria or the student union for the reception for $30,000 or $40,000 respectively.

“The options for catering are endless: macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers, and my personal favorite, those French fries with the smiley faces. Nothing says ‘good luck on beating the odds of the national divorce rate’ like a fried potato with a face full of joy,” Humphry adds.

To enhance guest entertainment, the theatre majors have thrown in a bonus “Take a Stroll Down Memory Lane” add-on package which includes a fifteen minute one-act play dramatization of the couple’s meeting, dating, and engagement history. For an extra fee, the play can be filmed beforehand to portray actual spots on campus where events took place. Couples can choose between “family-friendly” or “true-to-life” versions.

Special discounts apply to couples who are continuing their education on campus in the graduate programs. Also, for students who get married the day after their graduation.

“We’re really excited about offering this exciting new feature to our student population. We’ve already begun advertising our wedding day offerings when the freshmen arrive during Welcome Week,” Humphry explains. “If you meet your spouse during your first week here you get 15% off!”

But that’s not all.

“We’re still figuring out how we can take it a step further in the lifecycle education plan: babies. We love when our students multiply! We’re thinking about starting a campaign to renovate our Alumni House with soundproof walls so we can promote a special ‘weekend getaway’ option where conception could take place for our married couples. We’ve already designed a new infant onesie that will soon be available in the bookstore that reads: ‘I’m a Messiah Creation!’ This is truly a very exciting time in the history of our college!”



PITTSBURGH—Bethany Murphy’s public Pinterest board entitled “My Future Wedding Day” has tripled in pins since last Thursday when she met Tim Cuthbert at her young adult bible study.

“He befriended me on Facebook the next morning at exactly 9:02 AM,” Murphy squealed. “At exactly 11:15 AM he then sent me a chat that said ‘Hey wats up.’”

Proving that love is blind, especially to grammatical errors, Murphy began to furiously pin DIY wedding favors, centerpieces, and bridal party photography ideas to her board. It is evident by her choices that she is struggling between magenta or rose with an accent of twine.

“I have yet to see which color looks best with his eye color,” Murphy explained. “Also if he has an allergy to hemp.”

It is safe to say, however, she will be choosing above the knee bridesmaids dresses with a sweetheart neckline as 27 pins with above the knee bridesmaids dresses with a sweetheart neckline all have the caption “i ❤ this.”

Because her Pinterest is still connected to Facebook, Murphy lost 215 friends since last Thursday. Thirty-five other friends blocked her from their news feed.

Several sources from within the young adult bible study have reported that Cuthbert has also befriended six other girls within the group and initiated chats with first lines such as “hi” and “how r u.” One source claims he even asked her “wat u got goin on this week.”

When asked which girl Cuthbert is more likely to choose, a source that would like to remain anonymous commented, “It’s still too soon to tell. Also, I’m not sure how his girlfriend would react.”