1. “Are we currently experiencing an earthquake or is that your biological clock ticking?”
2. “I just know you are going to find someone soon and be married within 6 months!”
3. “So tell me, any new guys in your life? Wink, wink!”
4. “It’s too bad you’re allergic to cats. They make great companions. Especially in large quantities.”
5. “Why don’t you just put yourself out there more?”
6. “There are plenty of fish in the sea!”
7. “God is going to bring him into your life when you least expect it!”
8. “You’re still single because guys are intimidated by you.”
9. “Guys don’t like girls who can eat more Christmas cookies than them.”
10. “My coworker’s brother has a sister who has a son who has a friend who just got out on parole…He’s tall!”
11. “You’re just too picky.”
12. “Why don’t you create accounts on eHarmony, Christian Mingle, Plenty of Fish, Match.com, and heck, put up a Craigslist ad ‘Single and Christian on Christmas’ just to cover all your bases?”
13. “If all else fails, I heard a rumor that the government might be legalizing marriage of first cousins.”
14. “Enjoy being single while you can!”
15. “Do you know what happened to all the Christmas cookies?”
Very excited that Converge Magazine picked up this post! Check it out here.
I’d like for everyone to take a moment and look at my left ring finger.
Yes. It is naked.
I’m going to stop you right there, like you’re a telemarketer trying to sell me a lifetime supply of gold to hoard in my non-existent safe:
I’m good, thanks.
In an effort to save energy on both our parts, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling the most frequently asked questions with my responses. (Laminated for durability given the undetermined amount of multi-year usage.)
1. Have you met any nice gentlemen recently?
Three weeks ago, I ordered something online through Amazon’s two day shipping. I received a knock on my apartment door, and I opened it. Before me was a FedEx man in a brown uniform holding a brown box. He handed the box to me, smiled, and said, “Have a nice day.”
2. Why don’t you try online dating?
Someone once told me kidney stones were as painful as childbirth. When compared to online dating, kidney stones sound like a combination of winning the lottery, going to Disney World, and frolicking in a meadow full of daises and labradoodles. While eating an ice cream cone.
3. Why don’t you move to where there are more eligible bachelors?
Are you referring to an actual place in America? Or in a utopian piece of literature?
The truth is, I’m happy. Honestly. I’m not pulling your leg — my fingers aren’t crossed behind my back because they’re too busy balancing a mountain of Christmas cookies.
While I’m thankful you’re praying God will put the right man into my life — and soon (I’m still not quite sure how to interpret that) — I’m pretty sure God knows what He’s doing with me.
Right now, I’m single.
And right now, I’m loving every minute of it.
I’m not living like marriage is my end goal, like it’s the only reason God put me on this earth. I’m here to know Him and to make Him known — in my workplace, in my friendships, in laughter, in writing, and in utilizing my gifts and talents. He has me in my current job, city, apartment, church, sphere of influence, and relationship status for a reason.
I’m content right where He has me.
(Isn’t that all that matters anyway?)
So let’s talk about other things — important things — like how many cookies you think I could shove in my mouth at once. And how Christ alone completes me. And what He’s doing in my life.
Speaking of important things and Christ, rumor has it that it’s His birthday.
If I made money every time I acted so awkward I became an embarrassment to my friends and family, I’d buy an island in the Caribbean. For today’s daily dose of awkward, I recruited some friends who encouraged me to make my first (intentionally) awkward…
So a couple of my friends thought it would be a great idea for me to make a parody of the infamous eHarmony cat lady video on Youtube: So I did. This may be the worst thing to ever hit the interwebs: