AN OPEN LETTER TO PEETA MELLARK

(Because Catching Fire just came out on DVD)

Like food poisoning, my love for you came on suddenly and without forewarning.

There I was sitting in a crowded theatre of tween girls and I found myself squealing in decibels I’ve only believed to be in a gerbil’s register.

My mind quickly replayed Catching Fire staring me, in a side braid and cargo pants:

(I’m practicing my archery skills in the backyard on some soda cans I’ve lined up on a fence. I  shoot. Miss. Hit a stray cat that happens to be walking by. It shrieks, dies. My depth perception and prescription are clearly far worse than Katniss’. YOU appear.)

 YOU: It’s almost time to go. The lady with the hair the color of cotton candy is here. Her dress is made out of butterflies.

(You stare out into the woods to avoid eye contact. I notice you are carrying a bag of freshly baked cookies.)

ME AS KATNISS: I love a man that brings me baked goods.

(You continue to avoid eye contact. I clear my throat, put down my bow, walk over to you.)

ME AS KATNISS: We’re going to have to continue to act like we’re in love.

(You turn, look at me. I can see in your eyes that you weren’t pretending the first time and are hurt that you thought I was.)

ME AS KATNISS: But I won’t be acting anymore.

PEETA: But what about that other guy who is actually significantly taller than me and used to date Miley Cyrus?

ME AT KATNISS: I want to be the hummus to your Peeta.

(You give me a cookie. I eat it. You look at me. I look at you. My insides melt like a popsicle in the Sahara. Then we run away and start an underground bakery in another district.)

You should know—surely you must know—I would never, ever, date anyone shorter than me.

But yet here you are, 5’6 and I’m 5’10 and we’ll make it work.

As long as you keep bringing me baked goods WE’LL MAKE IT WORK.

cookies me volunteer

Until the next movie comes out and/or I finally read the third book to figure out what finally happens to you,

m

PS. I may or may not have a torrid relationship history with fictional characters.

Advertisements

15 RESPONSES TO COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR SINGLENESS THIS CHRISTMAS

1. “Are we currently experiencing an earthquake or is that your biological clock ticking?”

really you want to go there lifeinpub

2. “I just know you are going to find someone soon and be married within 6 months!”

delusional lifeinpublishing

3. “So tell me, any new guys in your life? Wink, wink!”

dont ask me about in a relationship

4. “It’s too bad you’re allergic to cats. They make great companions. Especially in large quantities.”

rude don qui qui

5. “Why don’t you just put yourself out there more?”

uncle si im invisible

6. “There are plenty of fish in the sea!”

laughter

7. “God is going to bring him into your life when you least expect it!”

monsters inc girl blink

8. “You’re still single because guys are intimidated by you.”

when someone tells me im too intimidating to date

9. “Guys don’t like girls who can eat more Christmas cookies than them.”

michael scott you are a thief of joy

10. “My coworker’s brother has a sister who has a son who has a friend who just got out on parole…He’s tall!”

no thank you tina fey

11. “You’re just too picky.”

throne of lies

12. “Why don’t you create accounts on eHarmony, Christian Mingle, Plenty of Fish, Match.com, and heck, put up a Craigslist ad ‘Single and Christian on Christmas’ just to cover all your bases?”

aint nobody got time for dat

13. “If all else fails, I heard a rumor that the government might be legalizing marriage of first cousins.”

lucille ball

14. “Enjoy being single while you can!”

christina aguilera preach

15. “Do you know what happened to all the Christmas cookies?”

shirley temple giggle

AN OPEN LETTER TO ANYONE ASKING WHY I’M STILL SINGLE THIS CHRISTMAS

Very excited that Converge Magazine picked up this post! Check it out here.

I’d like for everyone to take a moment and look at my left ring finger.

Yes. It is naked.

I’m going to stop you right there, like you’re a telemarketer trying to sell me a lifetime supply of gold to hoard in my non-existent safe:

I’m good, thanks.

In an effort to save energy on both our parts, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling the most frequently asked questions with my responses. (Laminated for durability given the undetermined amount of multi-year usage.)

1.       Have you met any nice gentlemen recently?

Three weeks ago, I ordered something online through Amazon’s two day shipping. I received a knock on my apartment door, and I opened it. Before me was a FedEx man in a brown uniform holding a brown box. He handed the box to me, smiled, and said, “Have a nice day.”

2.     Why don’t you try online dating?

Someone once told me kidney stones were as painful as childbirth. When compared to online dating, kidney stones sound like a combination of winning the lottery, going to Disney World, and frolicking in a meadow full of daises and labradoodles. While eating an ice cream cone.

3.       Why don’t you move to where there are more eligible bachelors?

Are you referring to an actual place in America? Or in a utopian piece of literature?

The truth is, I’m happy. Honestly. I’m not pulling your leg — my fingers aren’t crossed behind my back because they’re too busy balancing a mountain of Christmas cookies.

While I’m thankful you’re praying God will put the right man into my life — and soon (I’m still not quite sure how to interpret that) — I’m pretty sure God knows what He’s doing with me.

Right now, I’m single.

And right now, I’m loving every minute of it.

I’m not living like marriage is my end goal, like it’s the only reason God put me on this earth. I’m here to know Him and to make Him known — in my workplace, in my friendships, in laughter, in writing, and in utilizing my gifts and talents. He has me in my current job, city, apartment, church, sphere of influence, and relationship status for a reason.

I’m content right where He has me.

(Isn’t that all that matters anyway?)

So let’s talk about other things — important things — like how many cookies you think I could shove in my mouth at once. And how Christ alone completes me. And what He’s doing in my life.

Speaking of important things and Christ, rumor has it that it’s His birthday.