TAMING YOUR TONGUE 101: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE MODERN SINGLE CHRISTIAN YOUNG ADULT WOMAN

“Blurred Lines” should be your middle name. According to the most current statistics that were just published while writing this sentence, one out of every two things that comes out of your mouth is 100% inappropriate.

If biting sarcasm were a fine wine, you would have Pinot Grigio pouring out of your pores. If gossip were counted in Chickfila nuggets, you’d have yourself a party platter. If “let’s pick out all the flaws in every single guy we know” were a game show, you’d be the host. If sexual innuendo were an art, you would be Michael Angelo. You could have painted the Sistine Chapel on your apartment’s ceiling 13 times over.

And then—BAM. You get slapped in the face by one of those flying fish while in a boat going down a river that actually has those flying fish that jump into your boat and slap you in the face. If the fish in this scenario was actually a metaphor for something real, he would be the Holy Spirit.

So you’re sitting there with your face red and it stings and you’re feeling bad because you realize you hurt someone or your own reputation has been hurt. And then the HS pours some salt on your open wound and has you flip your Bible to James 3. You realize if your tongue were fire, you would have burned down the whole forest 13 times over.

GOSH DARN IT YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A SALTY SPRING!

So you know it’s time to make amends. Time to stop having praise and cursing coming out of the same mouth. It’s time to be a fresh spring. So with the help of the HS on your side, you keep yourself accountable by:

  1. Taking a deep breath while praying for help from HS
  2. Counting to five
  3. Biting your lip
  4. Crossing your index finger and middle finger from your right hand over your index finger and middle finger from your left hand
  5. Saying “pound sign inapprops!”
  6. Changing the subject or removing yourself from the conversation

So when you are at a BBQ for your young adult bible study and your male friend says to you while holding a hamburger, “Can you grab my buns?” you take a deep breath, call on your homeboy HS, and count to five. And when he adds “They are nice and soft,” you bite your lip. And crossing your index finger and middle finger from your right hand over your index finger and middle finger on your left hand, you fasten for yourself a pound sign (also known as the “hashtag”) and scream “POUND SIGN INAPPROPS!” You throw him the bag of hamburger buns and then you immediately get into your car and drive home.

If the hashtag were a person, he would be a billionaire off all the royalties.

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