FEATURE STORY: MEET, DATE, AND MARRY ALL AT THE SAME PLACE

Posted on by Meghan Mellinger

ring by spring jillnance.wordpress.com

photo: jillnance.wordpress.com

HARRISBURG—For every Christian girl that embarks on her college journey with a year supply of toothpaste and her heart set on an MRS degree, listen up, things just got even easier for you.

Local Christian college, Messiah College, has started to take advantage of the syndrome that affects their student population in droves known as the “ring by spring.” Students meet and date fellow students and before the spring of their senior year, if he likes it, he puts a ring on it.

“We are striving for what we call a ‘lifecycle education,’” president George Humphry states. “We take them from their infancy, 18, and in four years we pair them off for life. Just like penguins. Also, apparently termites.”

For years, this process has been happening organically. Students have been meeting in the dining hall by the panini press, stalking each other between classes, making out in the stacks in the library, and getting engaged by the covered bridge. But when it comes to the big day, they are finding other facilities to say “I do.”

“That is completely unacceptable,” Humphry states. “If it began here, it needs to end here. Which is why we’ve created a special wedding package plan to use our facilities for a very nominal price on the special day.”

The wedding package includes use of the chapel with chaplain for the ceremony, and a choice between the cafeteria or the student union for the reception for $30,000 or $40,000 respectively.

“The options for catering are endless: macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers, and my personal favorite, those French fries with the smiley faces. Nothing says ‘good luck on beating the odds of the national divorce rate’ like a fried potato with a face full of joy,” Humphry adds.

To enhance guest entertainment, the theatre majors have thrown in a bonus “Take a Stroll Down Memory Lane” add-on package which includes a fifteen minute one-act play dramatization of the couple’s meeting, dating, and engagement history. For an extra fee, the play can be filmed beforehand to portray actual spots on campus where events took place. Couples can choose between “family-friendly” or “true-to-life” versions.

Special discounts apply to couples who are continuing their education on campus in the graduate programs. Also, for students who get married the day after their graduation.

“We’re really excited about offering this exciting new feature to our student population. We’ve already begun advertising our wedding day offerings when the freshmen arrive during Welcome Week,” Humphry explains. “If you meet your spouse during your first week here you get 15% off!”

But that’s not all.

“We’re still figuring out how we can take it a step further in the lifecycle education plan: babies. We love when our students multiply! We’re thinking about starting a campaign to renovate our Alumni House with soundproof walls so we can promote a special ‘weekend getaway’ option where conception could take place for our married couples. We’ve already designed a new infant onesie that will soon be available in the bookstore that reads: ‘I’m a Messiah Creation!’ This is truly a very exciting time in the history of our college!”

 

IF G WERE LIKE “I DREAM OF JEANNIE”

Posted on by Meghan Mellinger

jeannie in bottle

photo: simply-showbiz.com

G:

My favorite show when I was younger was “I Dream of Jeannie.” She had a colorful Arabian outfit, with a bouncy blond ponytail, and not to mention an awesome abode in a purple bottle filled with a bazillion plush pillows. Oh yeah, and she was a genie. She just folded up her arms and nodded her head and BAM—mini pony. BAM—yacht with a hot tub. BAM— a million dollars.

Sometimes, I want you to be Jeannie (sans the outfit exposing your midriff). Sometimes I just want to ask you for something and I want you to fold up your arms, nod your head, and grant me whatever I wish whenever I want it to happen.

After all, you are so much more powerful than Jeannie and 1960s television attempts at special effects (it was fishing line that made her bottle move, I know).

I know I’ve been guilty of having this expectation that as a Christian, You are going to bless me with whatever I want. I’d hate to add up how many of my prayers have been asking you for something. More money. An apartment with a washer and dryer in it and a garbage disposal (what luxury!). A new car. For my student loans to magically disappear. For this annoying person I don’t like to suddenly get a job offer on the other side of the country so I don’t have to see them anymore (I really wasn’t kidding about that one).

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

I was reading through Matthew and the scene where Jesus is in the garden of Gethsemane the night he was betrayed. I’ve heard these words before of course, but they really stuck with me this time. His prayer was: “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39). In a nicer way than I’ve done before, he’s asking for something from you. He didn’t want to have to go through what was going to happen and honestly, can you blame him? But yet, he follows it with something I hardly ever do—he submits to your will. In the end, he wants nothing more than for your will to be done.

It got me thinking of the verse, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). I think we try to use this verse to justify our “I Dream of Jeannie” attitude— surely if I’m delighting in the Lord he’s going to give me everything I want! But what does “delighting” mean? If we are truly “delighting,” truly spending enough time with you to know you, to know your promises for us, wouldn’t the desires you have for us become the ones we want for ourselves?

Knowing you, you can do much greater things than Jeannie ever could (don’t tell Barbara Eden that).

So I’ll ask for you to sit on your throne, and wave our almighty and outstretched hand, and have your will be done in my life.

Your child,

m

HOW TO APPROACH A CHRISTIAN SINGLES MIXER 101 : A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE MODERN SINGLE CHRISTIAN YOUNG ADULT WOMAN

Posted on by Meghan Mellinger

If you were actually good at matchmaking, your track record would yield a percentage higher than 0%. You blame your lack of success on the shallow baby pool of eligible bachelors in your sphere of influence. How can you find suitable mates for your abundance of eligible girlfriends (let alone yourself) when the baby pool holds an inch of stagnant water that just produces mosquitoes you want to swat? So when you hear tale of a young adult singles mixer put on by several churches in the area, you decide to take several of your single eligible girlfriends on a search for their future husbands at the miniature golf course. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a hole in one for yourself.

On your way to the miniature golf place, you realize that crevices you never knew you had begin to sweat. You crank up the air conditioner when it’s only 62 degrees outside. You’re thankful you happen to have a stick of deodorant in your bag and you reapply. Generously. You’re not sure what anxiety attacks are, but you’re pretty sure you feel one coming on. You pull into the parking lot and see a group of people standing in front of the main entrance. Your breathing begins to sound like a woman in labor. Having sextuplets.

You are pretty sure this is going to be more awkward than a trip to see the gynecologist. At least you don’t have to worry about your gyno asking for your number afterwards.

Your friend who RSVPed online says she’s pretty sure the last time she checked there was only one guy signed up to attend. You park and peer over the dashboard expecting to see a circle of females dancing around one socially awkward guy in the middle not unlike a tribal dance of a Pacific Island country. Instead, you see 12 girls and 5 guys standing around awkwardly in no circular or remotely geometric pattern whatsoever.

You decide to get outside the car and nonchalantly walk by the group to see if any of the five men are eligible contenders. After all, they don’t know who you are or what you look like. They only know the name of your friend who RSVPed online. You’re safe.

Upon closer examination you notice that all the males look like they attended high school in their living room and one man in particular looks at least 75 years old. And he’s sporting a cane.

Resist all urges to scream “GRANDPA?!”

That’s when one of the guys looks in your direction and yells “SHANIQUA (real name of friend protected along with her damaged pride)? IS THAT YOU?”

You turn to your friend who RSVPed online and she looks at you and you look at your other friend. You are caught in a triangular staring contest. The sun is shining and the air holds the promise of fall. And your hair looks pretty good today if you do say so yourself. After all, you haven’t played mini golf in a while. It would be fun. After all, age ain’t nothing but a number. Grandpa may be your hole in your one—he may have saved up enough money in the past 60 years to pay off all your school loans.

That’s when your sweat glands go into overdrive and your shoes squeak as you pivot 180 degrees and take off sprinting towards the car. You and your friends jump in and you burn rubber as you speed as far away from the miniature golf course as possible towards home.

Decide to put your faith into a Heavenly Matchmaker whose track record allows Him to lead you to any pool He pleases. In-ground, above ground, baby pool, or on the rare circumstances, a really clean pond.