photo: jillnance.wordpress.com

HARRISBURG—For every Christian girl that embarks on her college journey with a year supply of toothpaste and her heart set on an MRS degree, listen up, things just got even easier for you.

Local Christian college, Messiah College, has started to take advantage of the syndrome that affects their student population in droves known as the “ring by spring.” Students meet and date fellow students and before the spring of their senior year, if he likes it, he puts a ring on it.

“We are striving for what we call a ‘lifecycle education,’” president George Humphry states. “We take them from their infancy, 18, and in four years we pair them off for life. Just like penguins. Also, apparently termites.”

For years, this process has been happening organically. Students have been meeting in the dining hall by the panini press, stalking each other between classes, making out in the stacks in the library, and getting engaged by the covered bridge. But when it comes to the big day, they are finding other facilities to say “I do.”

“That is completely unacceptable,” Humphry states. “If it began here, it needs to end here. Which is why we’ve created a special wedding package plan to use our facilities for a very nominal price on the special day.”

The wedding package includes use of the chapel with chaplain for the ceremony, and a choice between the cafeteria or the student union for the reception for $30,000 or $40,000 respectively.

“The options for catering are endless: macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers, and my personal favorite, those French fries with the smiley faces. Nothing says ‘good luck on beating the odds of the national divorce rate’ like a fried potato with a face full of joy,” Humphry adds.

To enhance guest entertainment, the theatre majors have thrown in a bonus “Take a Stroll Down Memory Lane” add-on package which includes a fifteen minute one-act play dramatization of the couple’s meeting, dating, and engagement history. For an extra fee, the play can be filmed beforehand to portray actual spots on campus where events took place. Couples can choose between “family-friendly” or “true-to-life” versions.

Special discounts apply to couples who are continuing their education on campus in the graduate programs. Also, for students who get married the day after their graduation.

“We’re really excited about offering this exciting new feature to our student population. We’ve already begun advertising our wedding day offerings when the freshmen arrive during Welcome Week,” Humphry explains. “If you meet your spouse during your first week here you get 15% off!”

But that’s not all.

“We’re still figuring out how we can take it a step further in the lifecycle education plan: babies. We love when our students multiply! We’re thinking about starting a campaign to renovate our Alumni House with soundproof walls so we can promote a special ‘weekend getaway’ option where conception could take place for our married couples. We’ve already designed a new infant onesie that will soon be available in the bookstore that reads: ‘I’m a Messiah Creation!’ This is truly a very exciting time in the history of our college!”